The division of household tasks, whether cleaning, washing or managing life, is a problem that affects many couples.
Starling Bank found that women perform a total of 36 hours of domestic and administrative tasks per week – the equivalent of a full-time job.
This is nine hours longer than men – and yet men believe they do most of the work in the home. The average man estimates that they perform 52% of the overall work.
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It’s the discrepancy between perception and reality (and of course this can work both ways) that leads to arguments.
Couples who do not share housework equally have around five arguments about housework every month – rising to eight for couples who rely on just one person for work.
We spoke with relationship expert Hayley Quinn about the best ways to divide the housework – and how to handle arguments if they arise with your partner.
She explained that it is necessary to be “transparent” when deciding how to divide the workload – but also be flexible to find a solution that suits everyone involved.
While a 50/50 split might be your idea of perfection, Quinn said it was “almost inevitable that one partner would take on a little more of the load” at different time periods.
“Always aiming for perfect 50/50 justice is a very good idea, but it may not be as practical for modern life,” she said.
She said some jobs may be more visible than others, such as cleaning, sorting laundry and taking out trash.
Other work may consume the same time and resources but will go unnoticed. She gave examples of how to take out travel insurance or change internet providers.
Hayley Quinn
How should you approach a conversation with your partner about division of labor?
To start, Ms. Quinn said you should enter the conversation with a positive mindset — think about how you are both contributing to the relationship in different ways.
“When you’re having these conversations, it’s not like a lot of people are sitting around feeling like they’re not contributing,” she said.
“In fact, I think if there’s a discrepancy in how people contribute, it’s just due to a lack of awareness about what the other partner does, and some tasks are more obviously visible than others.”
Try to avoid starting the chat with the perspective that you are working much harder than your partner and that they are not doing their part.
“That way, you start from the standpoint that we are all on the same team,” she said.
“When you do this too, it’s very important not to make statements that assume what the other partner is thinking, feeling, or contributing.”
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Quinn added: “So, for example, saying something like ‘I’m always the one who picks the kids up from school and you never do anything’ easily becomes very accusatory, and that’s when arguments start.
“Instead, most partners will be much more receptive if you simply ask for more help and assistance.”
When asking for help, Quinn said it’s important to ask verbally and clearly — don’t assume your partner will intuitively know what part of the household chores to do if you just complain.
“In a gentle way, explicitly ask for what you want. It could be something like saying, ‘Look, I know we’re both working a long week, but I feel like there’s a lot to do. It would be really helpful if… I I would really appreciate it if you had lunch,'” she explained.
“Again, start with an attitude of appreciation. Acknowledge what your partner already contributes and be explicitly clear about what you would like them to do. Express it as a cry for help.”
She also said that some people can feel protective about how jobs are completed, and learning to let go of that control can be helpful.
“If you want it to be more fair, you have to let your partner do things their way,” she said.
Photo: iStock
What happens if this doesn’t work?
If you find that conversations aren’t helping, you can always try organizing a shift, Quinn said.
She recommended using Starling Bank’s Share the Load tool to calculate your division of labor.
However, she said if you feel like there are constant conversations and nothing is changing, then the issue becomes more about communication than sharing the workload.
“It’s really about someone not listening to what you’re trying to communicate to them, so it’s more of a relationship issue,” she said.
She advised sitting down and trying to have another transparent verbal conversation, making it clear that you’ve talked about this before and how it’s making you feel in a factual, non-blaming way.
Using phrases like “I noticed” or “I observed” can help, she said.
If after all this the situation still doesn’t improve, she said it’s time to consider confiding in friends or family for support, or seeing a relationship counselor.
This story originally appeared on News.sky.com read the full story
