As Jay Blades’ “broken” wife announces their marriage is over, psychologist Emma Kenny reveals the three key steps to take when your relationship reaches breaking point.
No one ever leaves a happy relationship.
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And there are always two sides to every story when a partnership falls apart.
But when Jay Blades’ wife, Lisa-Marie Zbozen, announced that their 18-month marriage was over last Friday, she seemed to suggest that life with the 54-year-old Repair Shop star hadn’t been easy.
In an emotional video, the 44-year-old fitness trainer said she tried to make her marriage work “over and over again” but “couldn’t get it right.”
Research suggests that up to 20% of married people feel “trapped” in their relationship.
Another survey found that almost half of couples are only together because of their children.
A sixth said they stayed in the relationship because they couldn’t afford to be single.
As a psychologist who navigated my own divorce—and helped many others do the same—I know the warning signs that signal when it’s time to move on, no matter how painful it may be.
Here, I offer my advice on how to recognize when and how to walk away from a problematic partnership. . .
1. HAS THE RELATIONSHIP BECOME TOXIC?
ONE of the biggest signs that your relationship has become toxic is when you are persistently disrespected by your partner.
If your opinions are constantly ignored or ridiculed and your partner dismisses your feelings or accomplishments, this is a sign of deep disrespect.
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I’ve worked with many clients whose partners constantly made derogatory comments about them in front of friends.
This shows a lack of respect and support and also masks simmering resentment in the relationship.
It is essential to let go of this type of partnership, as over time your self-esteem will be destroyed and you will become a shadow of the person you were before.
A partner’s job is to remind you what an amazing human being you are.
Their reflection of you has the power to become your perception of yourself, so it’s essential to make sure it’s positive.
When I discovered my ex-husband’s adultery and confronted him, he initially denied it, then tried to blame me for his actions.
This is very common when people know they are wrong and feel a certain level of guilt for their actions.
Another red flag involves manipulation, which can manifest as a feeling of guilt, causing you to do things you are uncomfortable with, or distorting facts to blame you for your mistakes.
These tactics confuse and isolate you and often leave you feeling a lack of security both in your surroundings and in the decisions you make on a daily basis.
You may have also noticed that your partner has become more controlling.
This often starts with small suggestions, where they say they prefer you in a certain outfit or when you wear less makeup.
But this behavior will spread to all areas of your life, controlling who you see, where you go or even how you spend your money.
They may even start giving you a monthly “allowance”, significantly limiting your financial independence, even if you are also working.
Although all relationships experience conflict, if you are constantly arguing and no resolution seems to come, then it is likely that your relationship has come to an end.
If you feel like the joy has gone away and has been replaced by shouting and bad mood, then it’s time to shake hands and move on, because these toxic traits tend to increase rather than reduce.
2. PLAN A SAFE EXIT STRATEGY
LEAVING a toxic relationship, especially when living together, can feel extremely scary.
You’re probably already exhausted, frustrated, and deeply sad that something you worked hard on failed.
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Even if you feel like you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to plan an exit strategy, it will pay dividends if you do.
I asked my ex-husband to leave when I discovered his adultery.
This meant shouldering the costs of running a household alone and accepting the fear and responsibility that came with it.
Organizing myself was fundamental, as was prioritizing my children’s needs at a very traumatic time.
By focusing on what I could do, change, and accomplish, I actually put myself in an empowered mindset, as opposed to a helpless mindset.
First, call your administrator up front, as I promise that having bank cards, a passport, a driver’s license, and financial documentation will be absolutely essential from the moment you end the relationship.
Try to collect them and store them in a safe place, possibly outside your home, with a trusted friend or in a safe.
It may help to open a bank account in your name only and start saving money before ending the relationship.
This fund will be essential for initial post-separation expenses such as rent, food and possibly legal fees.
While it may seem dishonest to do this without your partner’s knowledge, you need to start thinking and acting like a single person who is entitled to their own documents and bank accounts.
One of the main decisions you need to make involves where you plan to stay after you leave.
Support from close friends and family can go a long way in reinforcing why you made the decision to leave.
When you finally leave your partner, it can be helpful to leave at a time when they are not home to avoid confrontations.
I always advise my clients to do this, as it’s normal to feel vulnerable and guilty when leaving a relationship. This may make you more likely to respond to your partner’s pleas if they are present when you are packing.
Pack an emergency bag along with essential items like clothes, medicine, and personal items.
Leave a letter, send an email, or call them to explain why you left. This will allow your ex time to digest how you feel and give you that all-important space to process your next steps.
3. HEALING AND MOVING FORWARD
NOW you are finally free from your toxic relationship, it’s time to focus on your emotional healing.
I remember the pain I felt when I discovered my first husband’s affair with one of my most trusted friends.
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I knew immediately that I would not tolerate such betrayal and asked him to leave that very night – but that was just the beginning of my journey.
Suddenly, I was a 35-year-old broke single mother with a future that looked completely different from the one I imagined. I had to relearn who I was again.
And when you leave a toxic relationship, you still have to grieve.
Feeling sad, frustrated or lonely is normal.
But trust me, these feelings will be temporary and I promise that your future life will invariably be better, just like mine.
I grew in resilience, compassion, authenticity, and courage, and this led me to believe that I could achieve anything I set my mind to.
I’ve come to terms with being a single mom and now have a husband who is genuinely my best friend and biggest supporter – and a new baby girl who reminds me daily that anything is possible.
If you are really struggling, seek professional help.
A therapist can help you deal with your emotions and make sense of your past relationship.
Sharing your experiences with others who understand can be incredibly validating.
If you need to stay in touch (for example, to co-parent), set clear boundaries.
Use communication tools designed for divorced or separated parents, like OurFamilyWizard, to keep interactions straightforward and documented.
Expect your ex to still try to use all the toxic tactics that led to your relationship failing.
The only way to stop this behavior is to initiate these strict new rules and standards so that they have no choice but to align with your requests.
This is empowering because it puts you back in control of your choices, increasing your confidence as a single person.
Now that you are free from your relationship, start working on your own needs.
Engage in activities that enhance your sense of self.
This could be a new hobby, course or fitness regime.
Reconnect with old friends to rebuild your support network.
Take time to reflect on what you learned from the experience as well.
Understanding what went wrong can boost personal growth.
These steps not only promote recovery, but also empower you to build a healthier, happier future.
It can be really scary to untie the strings of toxicity, but once those initial threads have been unraveled, you can finally be free to build the life you truly deserve.
- For more help and advice, visit womensaid.org.uk or refuge.org.uk.
Additional reporting: YASMIN HARISHA
This story originally appeared on The-sun.com read the full story
