Four Expert Ways to Stop Your Kids From Ruining Your Sex Life and Why Dirty Weekends Away Aren’t the Answer

EXCHANGING dirty weekends for dirty diapers has an impact on the sex lives of even the most loving couples.

The mental and physical changes of becoming a father mean 86% have sex less frequently since having children, according to research by a charity. Family lives.

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Almost three-quarters also admitted that their sex life has worsened since having children – and it’s not just the relentless demands of babies and young children that are behind the bedroom drought.

The same study found that the mothers and fathers who have the least sexual relations are those with teenagers, with 23% of this group confessing that they had not had intimate relations in the previous month.

Lack of privacy at home and time away from children were cited as a big factor – with just nine per cent of parents saying they didn’t feel like playing.

In her new memoir, published this week, singer Paloma Faith revealed that she felt like a failure when she struggled to be intimate with her now ex-husband Leyman Lehcine after their first child arrived in 2016.

“Nothing for me was as painful as the first time I had postpartum sex,” she wrote in Milf: Motherhood, Identity, Love and F***ery.

“I felt guilty because it had been seven months since I gave birth, so I thought I should give it a mandatory try.

“I would say it took me almost two years to not feel any pain during sex. That’s a long time. It wasn’t erotic at all.

“In the end, I decided to wince. I wanted to reconnect with my partner again. To be honest, I have resigned myself to living a life of painful sex for the rest of my days.”

In February 2021, Paloma had her second daughter and the same symptoms returned.

Paloma added: “It wasn’t pleasant, or fun, or pretty. I felt bad. I also felt like a woman isolated from herself.

“No wonder I was out of sex. I resigned myself to a sex life that wasn’t the most painless I’d ever had once every fortnight.

Clio Wood, author of Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure, and Intimacy After Birth (£12.99, Watkins), says this drop doesn’t have to be inevitable.

The mother of two, who went without sex for three years after having her first child due to pain, says: “It’s common, but it doesn’t have to be, and getting back to great sex isn’t the be all and end all. It’s all a partnership, but it’s a good start.

“While getting in the mood isn’t as simple as it was before kids — and that’s okay — there are many ways to maintain and increase intimacy while you regain your libido.”

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Here, Clio shares four tips for reigniting the spark in your post-baby sex life…

‘Self-pleasure is not selfish’

Start at the beginning and explore alternatives to penetrative sex, starting with a good old-fashioned kiss and using your hands to stimulate each other.

Take your time with these acts of intimacy and you may discover new ways to pleasure each other.

Without the pressure to go the extra mile, you’re more likely to relax and develop desire.

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Self-pleasure is also not selfish.

After the huge physical and emotional changes of having children, you may need to reacquaint yourself with your body and what you like.

Masturbation allows you to understand what makes you tick without someone else considering it and could be the key to unlocking your libido again.

Cop a sassy sensation

It’s hard to flirt and spark desire when your kids are around.

Chloe Madeley admitted that her once active sex life with her now-estranged husband, James Haskell, took a nosedive after their daughter was born in 2022.

The celebrity said: “I’m not in a sexual situation and neither is he.”

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Kate Lawler also said she struggled to feel like playing with her husband Martin while having sleepless nights over their daughter Noa.

If this is you, try finding a moment to pinch your partner’s butt in the kitchen, hold their hand while you walk, and cuddle on the couch while you watch TV.

Also try some dirty talk while you wash the dishes or send each other sassy texts when you’re apart.

Acquiring these habits will make you comfortable with each other’s touch and create a much-needed sexual connection.

Call reinforcements

Don’t be afraid of sexual aids.

There is a new generation of products designed by women that meet women’s needs, which you can use alone or together.

Invest in some lube (YES Organic is my favorite) and choose a toy that suits you.

Also think about teasing like underwear, massages and blindfolds – or try reading some erotic fiction, which has come a long way since Mills & Boon.

There are printed, app and online options that you can enjoy on your own while you take a shower or come home from work.

Likewise, ethical porn is available if you prefer a more female-friendly option to watch together.

Solve your identity crisis

Communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling – from any physical difficulties you’ve experienced after giving birth or menopause symptoms, to your mental state and fears.

It’s normal for new moms and women in their 40s and 50s going through hormonal changes to experience an identity crisis and feel a world away from their confident, sexy pre-motherhood selves.

You may find that he has similar concerns about fatigue or going too far.

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Be honest about how you got to this point – and what can help.

Is time a factor? Could asking a loved one to babysit for a night give you a chance to focus on each other?

If tiredness is holding you back, consider arranging a date during the day while your kids are at daycare or school – or even a quickie at lunch if you work from home.

Even having dinner together once a week – without kids, phones or TV to distract you – can lead to pressing a button that takes you to the bedroom.

If there are physical barriers at play, like pain or dryness, don’t be afraid to seek medical advice.

Discover more Clio tips on Instagram @andbreathewellbeing