THEY say first love is the deepest – which may explain why so many of us end up going back to them.
But I know from experience that you should never go back to an ex.
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I married my first boyfriend several years after we broke up, as did Jennifer Lopez, 54, and Ben Affleck, 51 — who got married in 2022, 20 years after calling off their first engagement, and are now reportedly in the middle of another breakup . .
I met David* when we were teenagers at college in my hometown of Birmingham.
He was the first guy I slept with and we also experienced many other firsts together.
We had enjoyed an intense relationship until our early 20s, when our young love ran its course and we separated – only to reconnect several years later.
Our rollercoaster love story timeline was eerily similar to J-Lo and Ben’s.
Their two-year romance began in 2001 on the set of Gigli, when Jennifer was 32 and Ben was three years younger.
It ended in 2004, but they reunited 17 years later in July 2021 and got married a year later.
Rumors are now circulating that their marriage has been over for months, with the couple living apart since March.
I completely understand why J-Lo fell in love with the fairytale of marriage and living happily ever after with Ben.
When someone comes back into our lives, it’s as if it was written in the stars.
I know I felt this way throughout the 20 years I was in and out of a relationship with my former flame.
I’m 53 years old, but I can remember with absolute precision the day he asked me out, when we were 17-year-olds in love.
We had a lot in common, both lovers of Depeche Mode and John Irving novels.
We met during nights that revolved around going to and from each other’s houses, learning the names of the constellations together.
I was fascinated by them and so was he.
After the first time we slept together, a bouquet of flowers was delivered the next day.
He didn’t need to try to impress me because by then I was already in love.
For the next two years, we were practically united.
During this period, my parents divorced.
Just him being there made all the difference in a world that, for me, was no longer as certain as it once was.
Then things changed when I accepted a place at university in London.
I wanted to work in the media and managed to get a place on a coveted undergraduate course.
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Before leaving, we spent three weeks together in Türkiye.
We looked out for each other and even nursed each other through a joint bout of food poisoning.
A few days after returning, I moved to London and he stayed in Birmingham.
I naively assumed nothing would change – but by Christmas we were both seeing other people.
It’s a testament to how well we hit it off that we ended up going on a double date at a comedy show.
What our daters thought about this is anyone’s guess.
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At the end of my three-year course, my life was once again out of control.
I wasn’t happy in the relationship I had. So what did I do?
I called the only person who has been by my side in the past: David.
Within 48 hours I was wrapped in his arms.
A place that wasn’t just incredibly comforting — it was simply home. However, he was still at university and I got my first job as a researcher on a current affairs TV series based in London.
We did our best to try in our early 20s, even renting a flat together where he was studying in Brighton.
Comfort found
Once again I found comfort with it—in beach walks, sunset picnics, and repeats of those nights stargazing.
We’ve always been physically compatible between the sheets. That’s the thing about old flames. He knew my inner desires better than I knew myself.
However, my career was calling. I was fed up with commuting between cities and working late with demanding producers, all while doing my best as a girlfriend too.
So I went back to London. There was never a monumental falling out, but we were no longer a couple.
It probably explains why lines of communication remained open during this period.
At 20, I was head of entertainment at Sky One. But I was in the office by 8am and networking in Soho every night after work. I didn’t have time to date.
However, panic was setting in because everyone I knew was determined to achieve the “marry by 30” goal that we women had set.
One night, still in my office, I nervously called him. Just like “Bennifer,” we kept in touch about each other’s careers and congratulated each other along the way.
If he was surprised to hear me suggesting we try again, then he hid it well.
I cringe when I remember what I said: that this time, if we got back together, it would genuinely be for good.
But we were still two equal but very different people.
David never made work a top priority – I did. His first love was sport, his teammates and probably always will be.
Mutual passion
But our mutual passion for film, theater, books and India meant that being together would be the perfect antidote to my stressful work life.
He wanted time to think about it. But I didn’t have to wait long.
He talked about it with his best friend, who thought I was “a bit of a fruit addict” (to this day I’m still not sure what he meant) – but he agreed we should give it a try and arranged to meet with a week later.
I had my hair professionally dried and my legs and bikini line shaved.
I bought new silk underwear and chose her favorite restaurant as a meeting place – and it was totally romantic.
Afterwards, we went home together and had mind-blowing sex.
When you get back into bed with an ex, it’s usually amazing.
You know their bodies and desires inside out and vice versa.
Satisfying sex means all those love hormones kick in, bringing you together as a couple again.
We began a happy relationship at the age of 29 and two years later, on holiday in India, he asked us to marry him.
It was the most adorable moment. On a beach, under the stars, a tribute to our decades-long history together. We got married less than a year later, on a tropical beach in Australia.
But I’m actually ashamed to say that we broke up less than two years later.
Deep Search
My career won once again because I couldn’t resist the opportunity to work in Los Angeles.
It’s easy for me to take the blame. But some soul-searching over the years has allowed me to see that the little irritations between us have always been there.
People rarely change, and the problems that bothered you the first time never go away. I was still obsessed with my career.
He was still sports crazy, leaving me a cricket or football widow most weekends.
In the end, our separation was quite amicable. I really wanted nothing but the best for him. We did a do-it-yourself online divorce.
Before the final paperwork arrived announcing our singleness, he called looking for details of hotels we had stayed at to take his new girlfriend. Luckily, I sent them to him.
There’s a part of all of us women that remains in love with the first person we said we loved (and meant it). Even more so when, like me, it’s the first person I’ve slept with.
That’s why I totally understand that J-Lo and Ben couldn’t make it work.
The allure of an ex is so overwhelming. You forget what went wrong and focus on the good parts.
But unless you resolve the issues that caused your breakup in the first place, they will always be there and will tear you apart again.
This story originally appeared on The-sun.com read the full story
