Jessica Biel on period shame and changes as we age

There was a joke I heard a lot growing up about people who menstruate. I won’t repeat it here, but believe me when I say it was disgusting, cruel and harmful. My blood boils when I think about it now, but when I was a teenager, under constant pressure to be nice and likable, all I could do was try to laugh it off. That’s what we were taught cool girls were supposed to do: ignore the jokes, even if they were made at our expense.

Many of us still carry this shame when it comes to menstruation. We hide tampons in our sleeves so no one sees us carrying them to the bathroom. We stay silent about what is happening to our bodies. It doesn’t have to be like this. In fact, it shouldn’t be like this. I’m interested in learning more about menstruation and encouraging young people to ask more questions. Menstruation isn’t just natural – it’s also extraordinary. It shouldn’t be so difficult to talk about them.

Here’s what I remember about my first period: I was in my childhood home in Boulder, Colorado. My room was on the second floor and I shared the bathroom with my brother. Our parents were at the end of the hall. I was 11 years old and it was the day of the school play. I went to the bathroom and when I looked into the toilet I thought: Oh my God. There’s blood there. I’m dying.

My mother swears we had already talked, but I don’t remember, probably because I was embarrassed. I can imagine rolling my eyes and trying to run away. That day I was really scared. I grabbed my mother, crying, and showed her the blood. She handed me a giant, fluffy pad and told me not to worry – no one would see. This thing was as heavy as a diaper, sticking out of both sides of my panties. I was so excited to put on my costume for the play – complete with full beard, since I was playing the grandfather – and now I was horrified. Would I be able to continue? Would everyone be able to tell I was menstruating? Would I ever get over this?

See more information: Teaching Girls How to Have Shameless Periods

Young people who menstruate often feel limited. What can I do while I’m menstruating? Will I be able to be active? Will I still be able to participate in all the fun activities I love to do? I wish I knew then that there would be nothing to worry about. The show continued. I did my part and it was great.

But I have to admit that, more than 30 years later, sometimes I still feel lost with these things my body does.

Menstruation can be mysterious. They come and go. You might expect it and be caught off guard by it. Learning your body’s signals can be helpful. When my period is coming, I can become deeply tired, sometimes to the point of dozing off in the middle of the day. My belly always talks to me – I feel a lot of cramps and bloating, and my back starts to hurt. Listening to these signs helps me feel prepared.

I was on the pill for a long time and my periods were light and brief. I only recently discovered that the bleeding you experience while taking the pill is not the same as a real period – it is “withdrawal bleeding” caused by stopping your regular dose of hormones when you take the placebo pills. Birth control hormones prevent the lining of your uterus from thickening to the same extent as when you’re not on the pill, so this bleeding is usually lighter. Looking back, this makes a lot of sense because my pill-free periods are real. Now my first few days are very heavy. I’m worried about leaving the house and having to change my toiletries all the time, sometimes even bleeding through my clothes. It’s a significant shift in mindset, learning how to be aware of this change in my body and how to better support myself.

But this is all part of it: my relationship with menstruation has changed over the years and at different stages of life. Now, after having two children, it seems more extreme than ever. I didn’t expect to have heavier periods after going through puberty and childbearing years, but here I am. I’ll be honest: I’m trying to have a good relationship with my period, but sometimes it really has a mind of its own.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles sometimes. One thing that helps me is remembering that still being able to menstruate is a really cool thing. My body is an incredible machine. And when it gets to be too much, I try to do what makes me feel better. This often means canceling plans. If I don’t want to get in the car and go somewhere, I won’t. It can be hard to miss things – there’s always pressure to show up and be part of events, and I never want to let anyone down – but I try to prioritize my well-being, even though that’s easier said than done.

I want people to understand that if you don’t feel well when you’re on your period, if you feel sad or angry, there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not alone. And I want people who don’t menstruate to have empathy and feel equipped to help the people they love when they’re going through it.

I try to set this example at home, with my children. When I was in school, all health education classes were separated by gender. We never learned about each other’s bodies, which created a mystery that didn’t serve us. All that secrecy fueled a feeling of shame, and there was no reason for it. So I want to talk honestly with my kids about my period, and I want them to understand what’s happening to me if I’m feeling bad. I recently told my 9 year old son that I was on my period and feeling irritable – he just looked at me and said, OK. He understood that I needed a little break. If we talk to our children about periods in a non-judgmental way, they will understand that it is just a part of life.

And like so many things in life, it can sometimes feel like a blessing and sometimes a curse. But either way, it always helps to talk about it.

—As told to Lucy Feldman