sStarting a conversation—especially with a stranger—is like putting sticks on a fire and waiting for it to ignite. Choose the wrong starter and the flame will go out. But when you get it right, conversation and connection can follow.
Conversations play an essential role in our well-being. Having just one quality conversation a day, especially face-to-face, can increase happiness and lower stress levels at the end of the day, research has found. You don’t even need to know the person. In a study, people overestimated how awkward deep, meaningful conversations with strangers would be and found that, instead, these conversations lifted them up and made them feel more connected than they expected. Also, ask questions makes people like us morewhich can be a benefit to self-esteem.
But what should you say to get more than a one-word response? We asked people who excel at small talk to share their favorite talking points.
“What was the best dining experience you’ve ever had?”
Raele Altano, a communications coach in New York City, likes the “HEFE” approach to starting conversations. It means hobbies, entertainment, food and environment (i.e. the environment you are in). These four universal pillars lend themselves to discussion points in almost any situation, she says. Who doesn’t like talking about food, for example? Asking about favorite restaurants “helps you learn something new and get to know them and their preferences,” she says. Altano recently asked someone about their best recent dining experience and what made it so good – and discovered that the other person had traveled to Japan for their honeymoon at the same time as her, and that they were just at the same restaurant in Tokyo . days apart. It forged a bond they would otherwise never have known existed, she says.
“What has been the best part of your week so far?”
Asking someone how they are is practically a reflex. Instead, change things up by asking the next person you meet about the highlight of their week, suggests Detroit author Robin Shear. Messy Joy: How Joy Can Start Before Your Hardships Are Over. “People are caught off guard because they are surprised that someone cares enough about them to ask,” she says. “They are often cast out of the mundane and suddenly feel important.” When she asks people this question, she typically finds that they need to pause to consider it — and then tell them they’ll have to think about the week’s positives more often. A supermarket cashier, for example, recently told Shear about the weekly dinner she had just had with her son. By the end of the conversation, “we both had tears streaming down our faces,” she recalls. “I will never forget this.”
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“What hobby have you always wanted to learn?”
This question can spark fun and introspection, says Jenny Woo, who teaches emotional intelligence at the University of California, Irvine, and created 52 essential conversations, a social-emotional learning card game. (She also recently tried climbing for the first time and loved it.) Don’t forget the built-in follow-up question, Woo advises: “What’s stopping you?” You’ll learn an interesting detail and might inspire your interlocutor to make time for a new interest.
“What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about you?”
Every time Shear asks someone this question, they smile. “Every single person,” she says. Consider this recent conversation at a diner: The guy serving her lit up and said, “Someone once told me I was a people person.” This led to a conversation about how he could use his soft skills in the future and his hope of eventually becoming a teacher. “I thanked him for being the best part of my day,” Shear recalls. And by the way: the kindest thing anyone ever said about her came from her daughter, who told her, “You know how to make people feel like they matter.”
“Do you have any recommendations for good books, podcasts or TV shows? I’m looking for something new to start.”
When Jessica Hunt, a California therapist, wants to start a conversation, she asks the other person to share what they’re reading, listening to, or watching. “It’s simple but extremely effective,” she says. Plus, it’s versatile and almost always appropriate. It also shows genuine interest in your partner’s preferences and opinions and offers you a way to showcase parts of her identity, personality, and beliefs. Ask Hunt what her favorite recommendations are, for example, and she’ll tell you she loves hearing First from NPR, Mother’s timeand the interior design podcast The great interior. The question “reveals a lot about someone’s inner world without being intrusive,” she says.
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“Would you rather be a time traveler or a mind reader?”
You read that right — and your reaction is exactly why Tenyse Williams likes this question. “It always catches people off guard,” she says. Furthermore, it requires imagination, curiosity and introspection; Not to mention it’s fun. Williams, who is the founder of a marketing agency in Brooklyn, once asked a chef this question during a large speaking event. After thinking about it, the woman replied: “Definitely a time traveler, to snatch all the historical recipes before anyone else.” The room dissolved into laughter, and the joyful moment livened up the rest of the night.
“What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned recently?”
This question is open-ended and inviting — and can lead to fascinating side dishes, says Erica Thomas, who organizes supper club events in Atlanta and is the founder of the site Eating with Erica. “It works wonders at networking events, parties and even when you’re simply chatting with friends or acquaintances,” she says. Thomas especially enjoys the fact that he draws people into discussions about their passions and curiosities, helping to promote the exchange of ideas. When she used it at one of her dinners, for example, it sparked a discussion about traveling to Europe – which led to deeper conversations about life lessons, change and spontaneity.
“That belt matches your outfit so well! How did you learn to be so creative with your accessories?
Everyone loves a compliment: Studies suggest Receiving praise is as exciting as a monetary reward. That’s why Jillian Amodio, a licensed social worker in Annapolis, Maryland, starts conversations with kind words followed by a relevant question. Tried-and-true favorites include: “I love this blush shade. Where did you get that?” and “You’re great at your job. Is this a field you’ve always wanted to be in?”
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Amodio, who teaches career development at Anne Arundel Community College, sometimes uses this phrase with her students: “You are always the first to offer an answer in class. I admire that about you! Have you always been so outgoing?” Offering a compliment helps people “feel seen and valued,” she says—and following it up with a question ensures a broader conversation than a simple thank you or a smile.
“If you could do anything you wanted without worrying about money, what would you want to do and why?”
Ah, the million dollar question. We all harbor dreams about what we would do if we suddenly made a lot of money, Woo says, and this formulation gives people permission to set aside real-life worries and keep things fun and upbeat. “It provides a broad canvas for a person to illustrate their dreams and aspirations,” she says. Woo remembers using this question to break the ice and noticing that the room became louder and livelier with laughter. People discovered they shared common interests – there were even aspiring magicians in the room – and then met up to talk more.
“What’s your perfect Saturday?”
People seem to enjoy answering this question, says Meg Irvin, who works at a communications firm in Richmond, Virginia. If they change their mind and ask about her perfect weekend, she’ll say she has two young children, so “sleeping sounds pretty glorious.” Also on the docket: popping into a farmer’s market, taking a walk in the sun, and maybe checking a day trip off the list of destinations she keeps on her phone. Who knows? Maybe you and your partner make plans to share an activity on Saturday.
“How would your best friend introduce you?”
Ask Jenn Whitmer this question and she’ll tell you that her best friends would describe her as bold, energetic, and expressive. “Full of joy and ready to give it to others,” she says. You can also learn that she starts singing in the blink of an eye and has an infectious laugh. Whitmer, St. Louis keynote speaker and TEDx speaker who presents the Joy Podcast, likes the revealing nature of this question and the way it demonstrates a genuine desire to learn about the person you are talking to. “The stories come out and the follow-up questions are so easy because you’re connecting over something real,” she says. “Most people fear small talk because it seems meaningless or transactional. People want someone who is genuinely interested in them as a human being.” Asking great questions — and listening to the answers — can help anyone master the art of conversation, she says.
This story originally appeared on Time.com read the full story
