The 10 new rules for a good shag, according to sex educators – and there’s not a crotchless panty in sight

WHEN you think about improving your sex life, what comes to mind?

Do you want panties, a new toy or a night in a hotel?

We’re all familiar with the age-old advice about getting the spark back, but we still feel like failures if it doesn’t end in a wild fight with the washing machine.

But here we share some surprising tips from the world’s top experts – and there are no crotchless panties in sight.

TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF

In sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski’s new book, Come Together, we are shocked and relieved to read the words: “Sex doesn’t matter.”

A sex expert who tells us not to worry if we’re in a dry spell? Yes please!

“A long-term relationship is almost never at risk because of a sexual issue,” says Emily.

“Save urgency for problems where you have something to lose, like disagreements about money, children, or health issues.”

She also emphasizes that it’s okay to not want sex, even if it’s for a while.

She is often asked some version of, “How am I supposed to want sex when my nipples are cracked from breastfeeding and I sleep two hours a night?”

Her response is, “You’re not.”

REMEMBER WHAT YOU LOVE

Do some of your partner’s habits drive you crazy enough to turn you away from sex?

Emily calls this “normal marital hate” and suggests you stop focusing on sex and remember what you like about your partner as a person.

Can you reform your annoying ways?

If they talk and interrupt too much, could you see them in a more generous light and recognize that they are simply excited about life, and that was, in fact, part of what attracted you to them?

DISCOVER YOUR SEXUAL IQ

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The sex education we received as teenagers didn’t encourage us to understand ourselves as sexual beings, which is why sex therapist Dr. Emily Morse suggests we improve our “sexual IQ.”

Write down things that help you feel aroused, like good conversation, dressing up for a date, or playing outside. What do you fantasize about?

Also, consider your basic needs when it comes to sex.

We all want different things, whether it’s a feeling of power or being wanted or cared for.

You can then share your learnings with your partner.

TO ARRANGE

For years, Emily Nagoski and her partner had a laundry trunk that kept their bedroom door open to allow dogs to come and go.

Whenever they wanted privacy, they had to drag her to close the door.

After she moved her breast, their sex life improved.

“Saving sex is not just therapy and feelings,” she says.

“I know if the air conditioning is on full blast when I walk into my partner’s house, I won’t want that.

“Being in a dirty or smelly room will drain our sexual energy, just like listening to children or worrying about neighbors.

“You can take advantage of your environment to prepare your brain and body for sexual pleasure.”

IDENTIFY SEXUAL THIEVES

It’s important to recognize anything that may be blocking a truly pleasurable sex life, such as shame, trauma, health or body image issues.

It might be helpful to share this with your partner if you feel safe, or even a therapist.

Remember to tread carefully – nothing needs to change overnight.

The best way to be a good lover to your partner is to start with yourself.

ENJOY BEING LAZY

In her book The Heart Of Tantric Sex, Diana Richardson argues that the best sex comes not from acrobatic movements or exertion, but from being deeply relaxed.

The more we relax, the more aroused we can feel and the more our bodies can respond naturally.

There is no feeling of performance or pressure, just connection.

Try simply lying down together and paying attention to what feels good in your body.

Many of us hold our breath when we are tense, which leads to numbness.

So breathe slowly for 15 minutes together – and don’t worry about what’s happening to the other person.

INVITE YOU TO PLEASURE

There is often one partner who feels like they initiate sex all the time (and feels rejected if the answer is always no) and another who feels the pressure to say yes to that initiation.

A gentler way to approach things, according to consultant clinical psychologist Dr Karen Gurney, is a more casual invitation to cuddle on the sofa or share a bath without the end goal of sex.

Yes, sex can happen, but if it doesn’t, a kiss might be enough to make you feel desired and turned on.

Emily Nagoski explores this in her book Come As You Are.

Many of us fear there’s a lack of desire in our relationship, but she suggests focusing on what’s good rather than desire.

“What matters is not the desire, nor ‘keeping the spark alive’. Pleasure is what matters,” she says.

Is a gentle touch on the arm good? Playing with your hair?

Focus on achieving this more often, rather than having sex for the sake of it.

BUILD SEXUAL CURRENCY

In her new book How to Not Let Kids Ruin Your Sex Life, Dr. Gurney says it doesn’t matter how much sex you’re having.

What matters is building “sexual currency” – things like sharing kisses and compliments and demonstrating touch and affection in your relationship.

She also believes that engaging in “self-expanding” activities — like making pottery or cooking a new dish together — helps us see our partner in a new light, which can increase attraction.

Another great tip from Dr Gurney is that if you’re busy with kids and a job and struggling to see why you would want sex again, some gentle arousal with erotic audio on the commute home can help – try apps like Quinn and Dipsea.

HAVE MONTHLY SEXUAL CONVERSATIONS

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For many of us, the idea of ​​scheduling a monthly sexual meeting is enough to join a convent.

But according to Emily Morse: “Communication is the best lubrication,” and the more you talk about sex, the better it will be.

In her book Smart Sex, she suggests scheduling a monthly meeting to ask questions like, “What can I do more to make sex satisfying for you?” or, “Can I share something I would like more during sex?” ”

Always talk outside the bedroom when neither of you is tired, irritable, or hungry, and limit conversations to about 10 minutes.

This is not a time to criticize – and remember to be patient and compassionate.

GO THROUGH PENETRATION

Many of us still think of sex as just penetration, even though it’s much more than that.

Our antiquated ideas put men under pressure to perform and leave women who don’t orgasm from penetration unsatisfied.

This could further cement the “orgasm gap” – according to a YouGov survey, men climax twice as often as women (61 percent compared to 30 percent, respectively).

In her book Mind The Gap, Dr. Gurney describes a simple solution—that is, stop focusing on penetration and instead spend time using mouths, hands, and toys to see what delicious fun you can have. To enjoy!