How to share a bed and get the best night’s sleep

Frank Thewes is used to hearing from people who wake up on the wrong side of the bed because of their partner’s sleeping habits – but who don’t want to go to separate rooms. He was once one of them. “It can be highly symbolic for someone to consider an overnight divorce,” says Thewes, a couples therapist in Princeton, NJ. “For many people, this is scary territory, so they want to avoid it.”

Napping apart — even just one or two nights a week — often ends up being the best decision for a couple. But it’s not the only solution. Thewes transformed his own sleep life thanks to a variety of new technologies (as well as buying the biggest bed he could find), and now he and his wife enjoy sleeping next to each other. “A well-equipped couple is one that can sleep well without being divorced from sleep,” he says. “You don’t have to wake up resentful of your partner.”

The first step to figuring out a way to make this work is understanding that sleep is highly individualized: We all need a different amount and prefer different times, says Jeff Kahn, CEO of the sleep tracker app. Rise of Science. If one person wants to go to bed at 9pm and their partner prefers to go to bed at 1am, there is nothing wrong with either of them. “It’s a genetic thing, not a behavioral trait,” he says — and treating it as such can improve relationships. Does his wife like to sleep until 10am? She is not lazy; she needs it, says Kahn. Approaching conversations with this in mind can help you have more empathy for each other and talk about ways to coexist without sacrificing either of your partners. zzzShe adds.

With that goal in mind, we asked experts how couples can turn some nightmare scenarios into sweet dreams.

Try a vibrating alarm

Do couples who grow up together stay together? Not exactly. Many people who share a bed go to sleep and wake up at different times—and it’s important to talk about how that’s working, says Cali Bahrenfuss, a clinical sleep health educator who owns Delta Sleep Coaching in Sioux Falls, SD. her partner: “If I go to bed at 11, am I waking you up? Should I come in a little earlier or a little later?” “A lot of people don’t have this conversation, and making some small changes can go a long way,” she says.

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For example, if one of you wakes up much earlier than the other, get rid of the blaring alarm clock. Instead, opt for a vibrating alarm, advises Shelby Harris, associate clinical professor of neurology and psychology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx. If you wear a smartwatch to bed, you can set it there; You could also try the Shake-N-Wake Vibrating Alarm Clock or one of the many similar options available online. Vibrating alarms are typically designed to slide under the pillow and are popular among people with hearing impairments, as well as those who wake up early and don’t want to disturb their partner. “They’re really helpful for some people,” says Harris, author of The Women’s Guide to Overcoming Insomnia. “I try to steer people away from regular watches if the other person is really sensitive.”

Buy more pillows than you think you need

If your partner is creating a light that bothers you, it’s time to build a wall of pillows. Everyone should have at least two comfortable pillows, so couples don’t fight over who gets the best one, says Thewes. Then invest in extras that can bridge the space between the two of you. “If you’re trying to sleep and your partner is watching your devices, it’s like there’s a little wall there because you can’t see over it,” he says.

Try an eye mask

These days, they come in many different styles, highlights Bahrenfuss. Some are marketed as “blackout” masks and designed to block all light; others are made of silk or heavy. “Smart masks” are equipped with features like Bluetooth headphones and even soothing heat and vibration, taking the eye mask experience to the next level.

Change the temperature of your bed

Thewes runs well, while his wife tends to be warmer. So who has the final say on the thermostat? Turns out that doesn’t matter: The couple invested in a dual-zone temperature system for their bed. Several companies offer gadgets that pump heat or cold into the bed, allowing each person to choose the temperature they like best. The BedJet system, for example, can blow air between 66°F and 104°F – at the same time. “It’s brilliant,” says Thewes. “You can’t feel the other person’s feelings [settings] no way. I go on vacation now and no matter how nice the bed is, I’m like, ‘I’m missing the ability to control the temperature.’”

Buy two comforters

If you prefer to keep the technology low, consider the Scandinavian method of sleeping — a fancy term for using two separate duvets (or other covers). This way, you can choose the fabric and weight that you like best, or even shake the blanket completely. And no one will get mad at your bedmate for hogging the covers. “With two separate blankets, we can stay in bed together and have individualized control over our sleep experience,” says Thewes. “A blanket wasn’t designed for two opposing styles – ‘I roll one way and you roll that way.’ People do not have disabilities; the blanket yes.

Push two beds together

Some people perform elaborate gymnastics routines while they sleep – tossing and turning as if doing so might win them a prize. If you’re tired of all the moving around, consider putting two XL twin beds together, suggests Bahrenfuss. You can even use a mattress connector to create a practically king-sized bed. “The easiest way to remedy the situation – and also to remedy temperature control – is to put two beds together,” says Bahrenfuss. “This way, your movements don’t disturb your partner and you have access to your own set of sheets and comforter. It’s the best way to be able to move around at night without fear of disturbing your partner.” It often works well, she adds, for people with insomnia who frequently leave their room at night but feel guilty about annoying whoever is on the other side of the bed. It can also be a solution for those who want to share a bed with a pet, much to the companion’s dismay.

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Another option, Bahrenfuss adds, is more expensive: Buy mattresses like the Tempur-Pedic that are designed for motion isolation, meaning movement in one part shouldn’t be felt elsewhere. You can check online reviews to help determine if they live up to their claims. But not everyone can afford a new mattress, Bahrenfuss acknowledges — or wants to splurge without knowing it will work well for them.

Silence the snoring

Sharing a bed with someone who snores can be upsetting. But keep in mind that snoring — which is caused by an obstruction in the airway — sometimes signals sleep apnea, in which people stop and start breathing repeatedly while sleeping. If your partner’s dull snoring keeps you awake, encourage him to see a doctor for a sleep study, advises Harris. Treatment with a CPAP machine can make a big difference for both of you.

Also, take a cue from Thewes and check out a pair of foam or silicone earplugs, or noise-cancelling headphones. “This is the first line of defense if you have someone who snores in bed or someone who likes to watch TV,” he says. As headphones get more advanced, they also get more comfortable, he notes; He knows people who sleep with Apple AirPods Max, which slide over their ears, but there are also plenty of smaller in-ear options that you’ll barely feel during the night.

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You might also consider hiring the services of a white noise machine. Thewes has used one for more than 40 years, since he was 5 years old. It helps create a “neutral sound in the room” that can mask light snoring and other sounds, he says. Keeping a fan running can also be helpful—some people find it calming, he says, and it can muffle a good sound.

Experts agree that it’s worth experimenting with different options until you find what works for you and your partner. “Sleeping well is a fundamental piece of mental health,” says Thewes. “If you can sleep well and be well rested, you will be more prepared for the internal and external challenges of the next day, and this includes being part of a relationship, going to work, being a parent or any other part of your life. .”