How to give good compliments

OOn a recent weekday afternoon, Xuan Zhao showed up at the post office just before closing. The man who helped her was incredibly patient and went out of his way to help her with a stack of packages. Then, before leaving, she handed him a compliments card that she had drawn. “Your willingness to go the extra mile never goes unnoticed,” the cover said. The other side read, “You are receiving this compliment because your greatness deserves great honor,” along with a reminder that kind words have the power to brighten other people’s days more than we might hope, and a suggestion to reciprocate that. forward . “He had a big smile on his face,” she remembers.

Zhao, behavioral scientist at Stanford University, CEO and co-founder of wellness startup Flourishing Sciencehe has led to look for This suggests that we tend to underestimate the positive impact that compliments have on ourselves and those who receive them. As a result, we don’t give as many as we should. “Compliment is one of those really powerful little actions that brightens your day and brightens someone else’s day,” she says. “And it doesn’t cost anything.”

Why is a compliment so impactful? One of the most important things for humans is to feel valued and respected by others, and like they belong, says Vanessa Bohns, a social psychologist and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University who has compliments searched. “We are always aware of any information we receive about how we are perceived by other people,” she says, but we rarely receive any. “When we receive a compliment, it gives us that feedback we so want to know about what other people think of us.” An expression of admiration provides a “residue of hope” that we are viewed positively on some attribute, she adds, such as work or fashion—which activates the brain’s reward center and strengthens our spirit. According to Bohns’ research, people feel “significantly better” after giving and receiving a compliment, compared to how they felt before.

With that in mind, we asked experts to share some of their favorite compliments—and why they resonate.

“You handled that situation so well.”

Bohns recently used his favorite compliment when he saw a waiter having a difficult situation with a customer at the bar. “I really like it because you use it in difficult moments, where the other person is often not sure if they handled the situation well,” she says. “This reassures the person and shows that their efforts to defuse a situation or help someone did not go unnoticed.”

In situations that require a compliment, don’t second-guess yourself. Distribute them generously. Sometimes people worry that they are overdoing it with compliments and starting to seem insincere. This concern is unfounded, says Bohns. “Our threshold for how many compliments we think we should give is lower than what people consider acceptable,” she points out. “You don’t have to go crazy, but you could probably praise more often than you think.” As long as you actually mean what you’re saying — rather than making something up in hopes of personal gain — consider the compliment permission granted.

“You make even ordinary moments seem extraordinary.”

This compliment – ​​one of Zhao’s favorites – works well between romantic partners and close family members. “It’s a beautiful and profound way to highlight how your presence transforms life into something meaningful and worthwhile, despite the mundane routines and banality of our everyday lives,” she says.

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If you’re worried that giving a compliment like this will seem awkward, you’re not alone. People tend to worry too much about how to praise competently. We feel pressured to perform well – like if we don’t pronounce our kind words perfectly, we’ll be ridiculed. One way to overcome this fear is to go for a run, says Erica Boothby, a social psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and co-author of the Bohns praise research. “If it makes you personally feel like the bar is low for you to give a compliment if you write it down, or if you practice saying it out loud or praising your pet cat first, do it,” she says. Making yourself feel comfortable — reciting compliments in the mirror if necessary — is worth the effort.

“I’m really impressed with your ability to work under pressure.”

Respect is essential when giving praise. Most women can remember so-called “compliments” that didn’t arrive – think catcalls and other unwanted comments about physical appearance. “These aren’t really compliments because they don’t show respect,” says Bohns. Before you say something nice to someone, make sure you do it thoughtfully and appropriately. If a colleague just gave an impressive work presentation, for example, don’t compliment her appearance. Doing so “wouldn’t mean saying, ‘We value you in this work context, where work is the important attribute,’” explains Bohns. “It’s like, ‘Nice try, but you look good doing that.’” It’s also important to avoid backhanded compliments, which may seem innocuous but actually contain hidden criticism or insults — and to make sure your language isn’t sneakily comparing two people.

“I love the way you bring out the best in people.”

Be specific. Details can turn a mild compliment into a great compliment, so make a point to highlight specific qualities or actions. Zhao likes this one because it “recognizes an individual’s willingness, effort, and growth mindset to recognize and cultivate the potential in others—often before those individuals see it in themselves,” she says. “This is a huge compliment for anyone seeking to make a positive impact, such as a leader or teacher.”

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If you just watched someone give a compelling talk at a conference, for example, say which part resonated most with you. Instead of a generic “good job,” say, “Your talk was really inspiring,” suggests Zhao. “If you can tell us a little more about how it inspired you to think about something in a new way, even better.” You can also personalize a compliment, for example by acknowledging someone’s progress in an area they’re working hard on – like slowing down or cutting out filler language in sentences – which shows that you value their progress and effort. .

“Hey, great earrings!”

Feel free to compliment strangers. In Bohns’ research, students on a college campus were told to approach a stranger of the same sex and compliment him—for example, on his nice shirt. Before leaving, study participants were asked to guess how good the compliment would make the other person feel, and it turned out that they underestimated the positive effect – while also overestimating how annoying it would be to be stopped by a random stranger. . “In every context, it makes people feel better than we expect,” says Bohns. Strangers are more likely to be flattered than confused. Besides, who knows? You might make a new friend, as well as brighten someone’s day.

“Your performance was brilliant.”

People rarely get tired of receiving compliments, so if you’re with a friend who’s thinking about giving a compliment, encourage them to do so. “If you’re not the one having to figure out the right words and speak to a stranger, you might see more clearly that it will make someone feel good,” says Bohns. Say something like, “You really enjoyed that person’s talk – tell them how great it was.” What if they counter that the speaker has probably heard it a million times? Remind them that once again can be the icing on the cake.

And when you receive one: say “thank you.”

Many of us feel awkward accepting compliments – we may blush, avoid eye contact, start to mumble in embarrassment or we even belittle ourselves. If that’s you, remember how good the person complimenting you might feel—and smile as you respond: “Thank you, that means a lot,” suggests Boothby. While it may be difficult to think outside of yourself at the moment, consider this an “opportunity to build or improve your connection with the other person,” she adds. You’ll both leave the interaction happier – and that will fuel the rest of your day.