IImagine you have a serious talk with your partner — but when you bring it up a few weeks later, he says, “We never had that conversation! You must be thinking about something else. Or your boss gives you a task but omits crucial information, berating you later for failing and claiming you were given exact instructions that you know you never received. You may keep being told that you are overreacting, overly sensitive, or misinterpreting things.
All are possible examples of gaslighting. The (often misused) term describes “the act of when someone is talking or communicating with you, making you feel like your reality is being questioned,” says Laura Sgro, a Los Angeles-based therapist who specializes in helping people deal with dysfunctional families. or relationships. Over time, this can seriously harm mental health: “People often feel like they are losing their grip on reality,” says Sgro. “This can feel like a lot of self-doubt and perhaps internalizing your own feelings and needs and not communicating them.” Anxiety and depression may arise.
Gaslighting exists on a spectrum, Sgro adds, and it’s not always possible — or safe — to interact with the person performing it. That’s because their goal is to win, not solve problems, she says, so you won’t get anywhere. But sometimes, especially if gaslighting isn’t a behavioral pattern, you can effectively end the conversation and prevent it from happening again. We asked experts what to say and why it works.
“We seem to have different memories of that conversation. Here’s what I remember happening.”
Affirming your reality without blaming or accusing can help a lot, says Deborah Gilman, a psychologist in Pittsburgh. “This approach gets in the way of the gaslighter’s attempt to control the narrative,” she adds. By reporting your experience calmly, “you plant a seed of doubt in their manipulation and show that you will not be easily influenced.” She advises speaking clearly and confidently while making eye contact. Gaslighters thrive on emotional responses, emphasizes Gilman, so stick to the facts and avoid becoming defensive. If the other person tries to twist your words, simply restate your perspective: “Yes, that’s part of what happened, but what I’m focusing on is…”
See more information: Gaslighting, Narcissist, and More Psychological Terms You’re Misusing
“I’m not comfortable with how you’re characterizing the situation. [original topic] instead of.”
Gilman likes this way of setting boundaries and redirecting the conversation. “It takes back control,” she says. Furthermore, it directly addresses the other person’s behavior. If they continue to criticize you, repeat the line: “I already told you I’m not comfortable with this. Can we move on? Becoming a broken record, she notes, helps ensure that what you’re saying resonates while also putting a stop to further discussion.
“We may not agree, but my feelings are still valid.”
If traffic lights regulated conversation, this response would be a “screaming red light,” says Sgro. As she says, “Where do you go from there?” Ideally, the other person will take this as an opportunity to look inward and reflect on the fact that their partner is feeling invalidated, which can defuse the argument. Plus, “this approach really shows that we’re not trying to be right,” says Sgro. “We’re just trying to express the way each of us feels.”
“Let’s take a step back and write what happened from both our points of view.”
When you don’t feel heard, the best solution is often to take a break for a few minutes. Natalie Rosado, a licensed mental health counselor in Tampa, suggests taking it a step further and using time apart to write down her perspective on what happened to trigger the disagreement. While it’s impossible to reason with some people who gaslight, others are open to talking and reaching a resolution – but not, perhaps, in the heat of the moment. Spending time together reviewing what each of you has written can be eye-opening. Plus, it has another purpose: “You can go back and review things you wrote down during previous incidents, so you can recall situations or conversations and have tangible evidence,” says Rosado. “It’s a way to combat some of those thoughts when you’re wondering if you’re losing your sanity or questioning your reality.”
“I feel like we’re not on the same page. Can we involve a neutral third party to help us understand each other better?”
If gaslighting starts to become a standard, you may benefit from working with a therapist – together or separately. The goal isn’t necessarily to improve the relationship, notes Rosado. “More than anything, it’s offering psychoeducation and support to the person in a relationship with the gaslighter,” she says. “It’s an additional person who can be an objective party – someone who can help them evaluate their experiences.” It’s always good, she adds, to have a second set of eyes, especially in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
See more information: How to Tell If Someone Is Lying to You, According to Experts
“Wow, that’s an interesting way to remember things! Let’s try to stick to the facts.”
Using humor can help disempower the gaslighter and make them less likely to continue trying to manipulate you, says Jenny Maenpaa, a licensed clinical social worker in New York. She advises keeping your tone cheerful and flashing a quick smile. Ideally, the other person should laugh and move on to a different topic of conversation. If they continue to fixate on your version of events, Maenpaa suggests responding, “That’s interesting. Maybe we can look at [evidence like texts or photos] to refresh our memories?”
“I noticed a pattern in our conversations where my memories are often questioned. Can we focus on finding solutions instead of debating memories?”
Rosado thinks of this response as “rising above the content of the argument.” Instead of getting into a power struggle over the details of the incident, she says, it allows her to take a 360-degree view. “What you’re trying to do is say, ‘Let’s set aside exactly how we remember that situation and figure out possible paths forward,’” she says. “One way to do this would be to identify, ‘What would be my goal in this relationship going forward?’ and then, ‘What would your goal be?’” It’s a constructive way to ensure that you’re both on the same page — and that gaslighting doesn’t cast a shadow over your future relationship.
This story originally appeared on Time.com read the full story
