Twice a month, executives from the dating app company Hinge gather for a team meeting. But instead of diving into discussions about metrics or revenue, they start by simply talking.
During the first 30 minutes of the two-hour meeting, these coworkers reveal their hopes and anxieties — what they’re worried about, what they’re grateful for, what they’re feeling. Even at a company focused on connecting people, forging real relationships in the workplace takes effort, Hinge CEO Justin McLeod told an audience at the South by Southwest conference earlier this year. He co-hosted the event with Ann Shoket, whose initiative to combat loneliness in the workplace is called “10 Minutes to Togetherness.”
As America navigates what Surgeon General Vivek Murthy described last year as an epidemic of loneliness, Employers and employees across the country are trying to address what for many people is a lack of true friendships at work.
The problem of loneliness has been simmering for decades; Robert D. Putnam documented this in his groundbreaking book “Bowling Alone” nearly a quarter of a century ago. Remote work has only intensified the problem for both extroverts and introverts, says leadership expert Michael Bungay Stanier, author of “How to Work with (Almost) Anyone.”
“People want to be seen and heard,” says Bungay Stanier, but on video calls the group gets straight to the topic at hand, rather than having the natural, informal interactions of a real room. It reduces people to “square heads”.
It’s not easy to talk about this lack of friendship at work “because it feels like a shameful confession,” says Bungay Stanier. But your customers are starting to bring it up.
As strange as it may be, these conversations are worth having, according to psychology professor Laurie Santos, creator of the well-known “The Science of Well-Being” course at Yale University.
In his own presentation at South by Southwest earlier this year, Santos cited research that showed that workplace friendships and a sense of belonging are vital to employee happiness — and to the success of companies.
We assume that friendships at work are “nice to have, not a necessity,” she said.
But “perhaps one of the reasons we are all so disinterested in work, perhaps one of the reasons ‘quiet resignation’ seems so attractive, is that we are not actively investing in what may be most important to our happiness at work. , which is our connection with other people”, said Santos.
Some large companies began paying more attention to employee health long before the pandemic, often focusing on the physical aspect: adding a gym to their office building or serving healthier food in the cafeteria.
These days, more and more employers “are not just ticking boxes, but also looking for ways to actually improve people’s health and well-being,” says Suzanne Heidelberger, who has led real estate problem-management teams for global companies. , including American Express and Fidelity Investments. She focuses on bringing a hospitality mindset to corporate spaces.
For example, employers can:
— Rethink physical spaces with relationships in mind, she says. Some companies are adding ladders, both to help people climb more stairs and to encourage the “chance collisions” that can lead to good relationships. Some are trying to turn green roofs – created to be environmentally friendly – into meeting spaces.
— Create groups and events to help employees find friends who share their interests. “It could even be something silly, like an ice cream party for dog lovers where we’ll teach you how to make healthy ice cream for your dog,” says Heidelberger.
— Offer online meetings too. During the pandemic, American Express offered online cooking classes that helped employees feel connected and introduced them to coworkers.
Employees also look for answers on their own, notes executive coach Daniel Boscaljon, founder of the Healthy Relationship Academy, which helps organizations build better workplaces.
It’s not always easy: As much as people crave relationships, he says, many lack strong interpersonal skills.
“When you meet someone with good people skills, it’s often like magic,” says Boscaljon. “People will open up, they will start talking, they will feel comfortable. So sometimes they have a sort of ‘vulnerability hangover’ where they say, ‘I was too open on this. What just happened?’ … People aren’t used to it.”
One key, he says, is working on your own well-being. “You can’t have a work personality and a home personality,” he says. “Who you are as a whole person shows up everywhere you are.”
Another strategy, according to Bungay Stanier, is to communicate with coworkers about how best to work together before diving into a project.
“We all have our little habits and preferences,” he says. “And we assume that what’s normal for us is normal for everyone.”
Raising issues in advance helps “avoid small tears in the fabric of a relationship” that prevent people from becoming friends, says Bungay Stanier.
These inevitable rips are also worth discussing. “The relationships that thrive are the ones that are repaired,” he says.
More than anything, remember the importance of everyday greetings at work – even if they make you a little uncomfortable. A simple hello, says Bungay Stanier, can be the beginning of the end of loneliness.
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