IIt’s hard to say any words when someone dies—much less the right words. That’s why so many of us let sympathy cards do the talking. “As a society, we are uncomfortable with death and pain. We’re not very open to talking about it,” says Katie Cosgrove, a death doula and grief coach in Buffalo, NY. Plus, “I think a lot of people, myself included, feel like words aren’t enough to comfort someone,” which makes it difficult to figure out how to articulate our condolences.
While it may be the first thing that comes to mind, “I’m sorry” isn’t always the best option. In some ways, it implies responsibility – and it simply isn’t as comforting or empathetic as other ways of showing support. Cosgrove also advises avoiding the old cliché that “time heals all wounds.” “That’s what everyone told me when my dad passed, and it’s simply not true,” she says. “The pain never goes away. It changes and changes, but it doesn’t leave us.”
We asked Cosgrove and other grief experts to share what they’ve found works best when talking to someone who’s lost a loved one.
“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, and I’m sending you all my strength and love.”
One of the worst things to say to someone who is grieving is that you know exactly what they are going through. Even if you, too, have lost a loved one—perhaps you are a widow comforting someone who recently earned that title—each loss is unique. Instead, Cosgrove suggests flipping the sentiment around and making it clear that you can’t imagine what it’s like to be in their shoes. “You are validating their feelings,” she says. “Even if you knew this person very well, you didn’t know them the way your friend or family member knew them,” and it’s impossible to understand what loss feels like. really landing for them.
“Please accept my condolences.”
Sounds simple, right? Maybe even generic. However, the sentiment works well when you’re talking to someone you don’t know well or when you’re too surprised by bad news to string together other words, says Elizabeth Schandelmeier, a grief therapist in Pittsburgh. “It’s preferable to say ‘I’m sorry’, because that doesn’t put the grieving person in the position of having to comfort you by saying everything is okay,” she points out. “Or, if they are angry at the moment, [it keeps them] to respond that you don’t need to apologize because it wasn’t your fault.”
“Your husband was a wonderful person. I have this fond memory of him when [explain a thoughtful memory].”
When people tell Cosgrove they’re going to a wake or funeral and don’t know what to say, she encourages them to tell a story. “I can tell you from experience that stories about people I’ve lost and never heard of before are like little nuggets of gold,” she says. “It’s a beautiful way to cherish their memory and show that you really love them.” If you don’t have a story of your own, you can invite your friend to share one of their favorite memories if they want. There is sometimes a misconception that talking about the deceased will be very painful – when in fact, it is often the opposite.
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“Would it be okay if I stopped by in a few days for lunch? I know that children are involved in many activities. Do you need help taking them to games?
Acts of service can be invaluable, especially in the early days of grief when one’s energy is drained. “They’re having to take care of a lot of things — taking something off their plate not only says, ‘I’m here for you and I’m supporting you,’ but it actually helps reduce the burden on them,” says Whitney Menarcheck, a licensed professional counselor in Pittsburgh, specializing in grief. “This can give them time to focus on flower arranging or take a nap.” The more specific your offer, the better; having to think about what kind of help to ask for can dissuade someone from asking.
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“I’m holding space for you in my heart.”
People aren’t always in the habit of telling others they’re “holding space” for them, Cosgrove acknowledges. However, she thinks it’s a powerful way to convey that even though you can’t make their pain better, you will be there with them as they go through it. That’s why this is one of her favorite expressions when talking to the bereaved. “It’s a simple way to let someone know that you’re thinking of them, that their experience is unique and universal, and that dealing with loss is incredibly difficult,” she says.
“I will always remember their smile [or laugh].”
This is a powerful way to memorialize someone’s physical presence – and reassure your loved ones that they will not be forgotten. You can describe the mischievous sparkle in their eyes when they told a joke or the pink streaks they dyed in their hair. “Grief can be very surreal,” says Cosgrove. “We’re afraid of losing that person or forgetting them, so knowing what someone else in the world will remember is really helpful.”
“I know many people don’t know what to do when someone dies by suicide, and it can leave the grieving person feeling alone. I’m here for you.”
Menarcheck uses the term “disenfranchised grief” to describe losses that tend to be minimized or misunderstood — such as when someone dies by suicide or overdose, or when the mourner had a complicated relationship with the deceased. She recalls that once, when talking to a friend whose ex-husband had died, the woman responded, “Why does everyone think that just because we weren’t married anymore, I don’t care that he’s dead?” This shows the importance of always reaching out and letting your friends know you are thinking of them, regardless of the circumstances of the loss.
“Do you want my help or do you want me to just listen?”
Sometimes, without even realizing it, we slip into counseling mode – trying to help fix the unfixable. That’s not always what someone needs. The most valuable thing you can do may be to listen. If your friend asks if they’ve ever told you a story about the person who’s grieving, “You can say yes, but you’d love to hear it again,” says Schandelmeier.
“Is it okay if I give you a hug now?”
Always respect personal space: not everyone wants to be hugged or patted on the hand, even or especially when they are grieving. If it’s normal for you to hug when you see each other, you’re probably fine — but if you want to hug a second cousin you last saw two decades ago, you’d better ask first. “What gives you comfort doesn’t always give comfort to others,” highlights Menarcheck. “If they say no, say, ‘Well, I’m thinking about you,’ and don’t take it personally.”
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“Hey, I know Sunday mornings were a special routine for you and your dad. Just thinking about you.”
Maybe your friend and her dad went for a walk together every Sunday morning. On the first or second or third or 13th Sunday after his death, check in to remind her that you are there for her. The same advice applies to birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions. The key is not to make assumptions about how your friend might be feeling, advises Menarcheck. (“You must be so devastated today!”) “It gives the person the opportunity to respond and say, ‘Wow, thank you. I’ve been struggling,’” she notes. “Or they might say, ‘I was thinking about a really funny thing that happened between my dad and me.” Allow your friend’s response to direct the direction of the conversation from there.
“I was watching the Cubs game and I remember his son really loved them. It made me smile thinking about it.
No matter how long it’s been since someone died, mention it when you feel motivated to do so. Were you shopping and saw a Hawaiian shirt that they would have loved? Heard your favorite song on the radio? it says! “People who die become elephants in the room,” says Menarcheck. “But sometimes all we want to do is talk about them. We want to laugh at them, we want to talk about what made us crazy about them, and we want them to continue to exist through our memories and stories.”
This story originally appeared on Time.com read the full story
