After 13 years of marriage, Bethany Meola recognizes that she and her husband can get bogged down in the midlife chaos that comes with navigating a career and raising three children.
That’s why the six second kiss felt so good.
A daily intimacy exercise pioneered by couples therapists and clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman, the six-second kiss is what it sounds like — setting aside a few moments each day to physically connect with your partner.
“It’s kind of funny to put it on your to-do list,” said Meola, who discovered the Gottmans’ work while studying for a master’s degree in theology focused on marriage and family.
Even when it seemed a little silly, it made a difference.
“It’s enough time for you to ground yourself and say, ‘Here’s this other person that I love and committed to,’ and you’re resting in their presence in a renewed way,” said Meola, co-founder of the nonprofit Life- Giving Wounds in Bowie, Maryland, which aims to help adult children of divorced or separated couples.
Six seconds is not an arbitrary number, said John Gottman during a joint video interview with his wife and collaborator. The couple married in 1987 and co-founded the Gottman Institute, which trains couples therapists.
After studying more than 3,000 couples over 30 years, the Gottmans discovered that six seconds of intentional intimacy is enough to trigger the release of oxytocin. It is the same hormone that is believed to be responsible for the baby’s bond with its mother; the Gottmans say it increases trust in a relationship by calming the fear center in the brain.
Gottman cited research from neuroeconomist Paul Zak that suggests a 20-second hug does the same.
“This happens every time mammals hug,” said Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” and other books. “For the 20-second hug or the six-second kiss, it’s really different. It feels like you’ve come home.”
Julie Gottman said that a long kiss works best for couples who are committed to each other and have built a level of trust. Difficult couples and working through problems in therapy may not be ready for this.
“We certainly wouldn’t give this information to a very distressed couple right at the beginning, before significant changes,” she said. “Because it won’t feel authentic if there’s still a lot of mistrust.”
Couples need to decide to set aside time in their day to prioritize their relationship. One partner might start the discussion by saying they believe the exercise could deepen their bond and why not try it?
So it’s better to create a ritual. Set aside the same time every day, for example, when everyone is leaving for work and school or before bed.
Creating a ritual of connection during these moments of transition protects against “the managerial relationship, where the only thing a couple does together is add to their long to-do list,” said John Gottman. “We really want to nurture the romance.”
Rituals also promote a sense of shared purpose, Julie Gottman said. Just make sure you savor it rather than making it something you should do.
What about couples who say they don’t have time? She didn’t mince words.
“Do you really not have six seconds?” she said with a laugh. “You know, we’re not talking about six hours here. We’re talking about six seconds. So tell me more about what this block is. Is there anything else going on?”
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