FLORHAM PARK, New Jersey – Lance McCutcheon can’t remember what caused the sudden break between him and his best friend.
The details don’t really matter now to the New York Jets wide receiver. He just knows he could never calm things down with Connor Mills.
And he never got the chance to say goodbye.
“Guilt is definitely the biggest thing I would say, you know, we let some stupid things get between us,” McCutcheon told The Associated Press after Wednesday’s practice. “We were in eighth grade. And I didn’t know my best friend was at the lowest level.
“This is something I will maintain for the rest of my life.”
On May 31, 2013, Mills died by suicide. He was 14 years old.
McCutcheon and Mills were inseparable as youngsters growing up in Bozeman, Montana, having played on the same travel basketball team since second or third grade. They shared countless meals, laughs and life experiences.
“He was my best friend,” McCutcheon said. “He was like a brother to me.”
Despite all the fun times together, McCutcheon didn’t know Mills was struggling.
“Whenever I’m talking about this or I’m alone and with my own thoughts, I have to live with knowing that I let something come between us and I wasn’t able to be there for him. ‘Got through it,’ he said. ‘And he passed away without me being able to tell him how I really felt about him.’
McCutcheon relied on her family and friends to talk about her feelings, allowing herself to grieve and process her emotions.
However, it was a long road that continues to this day.
“I think it’s really important to find at least one person that you’re familiar with,” he said. “It will help you a lot to just let it out, rather than keeping it in for days and days and days — until you can’t take it anymore.”
McCutcheon’s left arm is covered in tattoos, including one just below the shoulder of a lion wearing a crown. A little further down, he has the name “Connor” in black ink on his forearm. He also has Mills’ birth and death dates tattooed on his left wrist.
“I look down,” McCutcheon said, “and I have his name right there.”
It is just above the name “Grady” in honor of Grady Dawkins, another close friend who died in a car accident nine months after Mills. In the quiet moments before the game, McCutcheon talks to both of them, hoping they can help give him confidence and strength.
“Everyone has their own battles,” McCutcheon said. “I’m not the only one in this world who has lost loved ones, lost family. Everyone has been through things and fought their own battles.
“I mean, I’m here. I’m playing football in the NFL, you know?
McCutcheon, 25, in training camp with the Jets competing for a roster spot, has been an advocate for mental health awareness since the death of his best friend. He tells male athletes, in particular, that it’s okay to show your emotions and not be afraid to have “an uncomfortable conversation” when they’re struggling.
“Whether you’re a famous athlete or a student, whatever it is, you can be whatever you want to be,” he said. “But whatever it is, you’re not alone.”
After leaving hometown Montana State in 2022, McCutcheon signed with the Los Angeles Rams as a free agent. During that season, he was able to support the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention with his cleats during the NFL’s annual “My Cause My Cleats” campaign.
“We’re here for you,” McCutcheon said when asked what he would say to someone struggling with their mental health. “It is much more painful for those who love you most to think that you will never be able to reach them and open up and explain what is happening and what you are feeling.
“But I promise you that when you open up, that person will hold you and love you for so much more than what you’re going through and what you’re fighting for.”
During his first NFL preseason McCutcheon led the Rams with 15 receptions for 259 yards and two touchdowns. It was enough to earn him a spot on the 53-man roster out of training camp. He played in 10 games as a rookie, but had no receptions and only saw five passes thrown his way.
He was waived by Los Angeles as part of the Rams’ final cuts last year, signed to Houston’s practice squad a few days later and was waived again nearly two months later. The Jets gave him a try on their practice squad last October and signed him to a future reserve contract in January.
Now, McCutcheon hopes for a chance to hang with a wide receiver group that includes Garrett Wilson, Mike Williams and Allen Lazard — and maybe catch some passes from Aaron Rodgers.
And that’s something McCutcheon knows his late best friend would think was pretty cool.
“I just hope he’s taking care of me every day,” McCutcheon said. “I hope he’s proud of me and happy for me and I just keep it that way.”
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This story includes discussion of suicide. If you or someone you know needs help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
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