You may have followed a similar path to mine. You go to college, graduate, start your career – and pursue that career in whatever city takes you. Inevitably, this led me to Tampa, Florida, living several states away from my parents. This pattern is quite common among career-oriented people, especially in the United States. But this brings its own set of consequences.
My partner’s family lives in Albany. She had to leave for her niche academic work (Bronze Age archaeology). All of my closest friends live hundreds, and sometimes thousands, of miles away from their parents and relatives.
If someone stays close to your family it’s often driven by socioeconomic factors. If you come from a poorer background, you’re much more likely to live close to family – as pooling resources is common. For example, if your car breaks down, getting a ride or borrowing a car can help immensely, especially if you can’t afford to fix your car or rent another one. The same happens if you lose your job. It becomes much easier to survive the period of unemployment with immediate family members nearby.
Race also plays a role in family distance. A study discovered that the the average distance between white adults and their mothers is 15 miles, but it is only 3 miles for black adults. This is also affected by the aforementioned socioeconomic factors, which come into play with racial income disparities.
We are less likely to live further away from family in the US than in the UK, due to your greatest support for single mothers and the poor.
But as you move up the education (and income) brackets, your chances of live close to family fall very quickly. A high school diploma means you have a 63% chance of living near relatives. A bachelor’s degree corresponds to a 48% chance, and a postgraduate degree corresponds to a 42% chance.
Is it ideal for Americans to live so far away from their families?
There is certainly a sense of having lost for me. I’m in a group text with my parents and my sister (who lives a few miles away from my parents). I often see them sending photos of the area back and forth. Sometimes it sends the message of having forgotten something at home or meeting up for a wine tasting (my parents run a vineyard).
Part of me hurts and knows I miss being a part of their story. But for me it was important to forge my own story, open up to the world and be independent.
I’m also lucky that my family and I don’t have a toxic relationship like so many people do. There’s no need to have a difficult conversation about boundaries and for a parent to stop unannounced during the day or fight because of the constant pressure to visit. The separation between us is just career driven.
But in our case, it puts more pressure (in a good way) to make the most of our time together. Trips to other places, like New York, become opportune moments to celebrate and take photos.
I write this as someone who gets along well with family, and these dynamics can become endlessly complicated – especially in close proximity. In his novel, Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy he wrote, “Happy families are all the same; Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
This led to the principle of Anna Karenina, and highlights that for a family to be happy, some things need to be in order: financial security, mutual affection and good health for all members. However, for a family to be unhappy, any one of a long list of factors could be the cause. And with proximity, these problems are highlighted. Which could lead more people to move to more distant places.
There is no right answer for anyone about living close to family. But know the forces at work and how they affect you. Because the consequences can be real and substantive.
In my research for my book publisher, I discovered that many of you (average readers) are quite educated and have advanced degrees and income. This makes it quite likely that many of you will live far from your family. I would encourage you to find ways to reconnect with them when you have time, whether by phone or other means.
Your chances of loneliness increase when you are missing interaction with people and especially with family. Healthy family relationships are like a potent antidote to loneliness. When you are very lonely, your risk of illness and depression increases sharply.
A Final Warning About Family Division
In almost every case I know of someone who lives far from their family, there has been heartburn and problems that need to be eliminated. My partner constantly feels pressured to visit family. The pressure, of course, always comes from love and never turns into a shouting match. But it causes the usual tension that arises when a child is ambitious and thrown into a distant city.
My best friend’s mom is constantly upset with him for not bringing the grandchildren to visit every month – but that’s not feasible. It’s a 6 hour drive and he and his wife are deeply occupied with work and school. Even further away, he lives further away because his mother keeps trying to indoctrinate her children into Christianity, and he wants his children to be 18 before they make religious decisions.
The point is not that we should spend time and live closer to family, regardless of the circumstances. Because these circumstances can be infinitely varied and I sympathize with them.
Just be aware of the economic forces that are pulling us in. They define where and how far we live from family. These days, extra measures are needed to keep families together.
My parents also lived away from their parents during my father’s military career, and perhaps I am continuing that tradition. We combat this by making an effort to drive and see grandparents at every opportunity. There weren’t many ski holidays when I was growing up, but every Christmas and summer it was with my grandparents, and that helped keep the family together. The other way to make Zoom calls on a recurring basis. My partner does one every two weeks – and they came to this system because they didn’t interact enough before this.
Because I work remotely as a writer rather than for a specific employer, I can do my work from anywhere. So I take at least six different week-long trips to see my family every year. And it’s been a blessing and helped me feel more connected to family.
No matter how far your career takes you, don’t forget where you come from and that there are usually people who wouldn’t mind hearing from you. Upward mobility has a natural gravitational pull away from family.
It’s easier than ever to be alone these days, but that doesn’t mean you have to be.
I’m a former financial analyst turned writer in Tampa, Florida. I write story-based content to help us live better and maximize our potential.
