Our obsession with dating ‘Icks’ is holding us back

“New ick unlocked” said the text on one TikTok I had just opened it. The video showed the back of a man’s head, his earlobe blowing in the wind. I laughed as I typed “ick” into the search bar, curious to see more videos about what makes people tick, and came across a number of other videos of small, seemingly harmless things that scare boyfriends.

By now, the idea of ​​ick has become common parlance among Gen Z and Millennial daters. A person becomes irritated when they suddenly feel repulsed by the person they are dating, often because of one (or even several) mannerisms that become extremely embarrassing for them. In fact, at the time of writing, more than 200,000 TikTok posts include the hashtag “ick.”

See more information: The Psychology of Why We Get the ‘Ick’

I laughed another video, this one showing a man crouching awkwardly, looking through a pair of binoculars. But my smile faded as I scrolled through more TikToks. A woman’s disgust was “When a guy walks out of Starbucks with a Frapuccino in his hand.” She looked away from the camera in disgust. “Ask for a black American as a man,” she said. Another video presented the following as things that could make someone angry: talking about your ex at the beginning of a relationship, using 2-in-1 shampoo, and not using punctuation in a text message. And the most glaring example further: a man’s icks included a “woman who doesn’t do PDA” and “a woman who dresses [in a way that is] very revealing.” “If you want to go around showing off your body, show it to your man,” he shrugged, as if that were a completely reasonable thing to say these days.

Originally a harmless internet joke, ick doesn’t seem so funny anymore. Instead, it reinforces outdated and sexist stereotypes. And rather than reflecting genuine warning signs to watch out for in relationships, ick often speaks to an intolerance of others’ quirks or vulnerabilities. This is where all daters, whether you share these things or not, miss out: By focusing on the flaws of our dates — flaws that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things — we keep ourselves from seeing our potential partners as nuanced individuals. . And we run the risk of discarding people too early.

A 2023 survey commissioned by dating service Seeking makes it clear that it’s not all a big laugh: 2,000 people were searched in their main turn-offs in dating, and 49% said they ended a relationship because their boyfriend did something that irritated them. The research’s main negatives suggest that the meticulous attitude displayed on TikToks also appears to be seeping into real life. If you look at the survey’s top 40 things that bother people, you’ll find complaints as trivial as double texting, getting a bad tattoo, wearing dirty shoes or “bad jeans,” wrinkled clothes, and using emojis in texts. This seems like a huge shame. What does it matter if the person sending double text messages and wearing “bad jeans” is kind, respectful and funny?

It is also worrying that many people’s opinions refer to patriarchal stereotypes. Men shouldn’t order Frapuccinos. Women should cover themselves. Even the lightest TikToks reflected disgust at men who seem awkward, clumsy, or fragile. (For example, a man struggling on an ice rinkor a man looking silly in a pair of swimming goggles.) And if we imply, humorously or not, that men who look goofy and vulnerable are off-putting, aren’t we reinforcing toxic masculinity? Isn’t asking men to be “more macho” a step backwards?

Another reason ick is a cause for concern is that it drives single people away from each other at a time when young people need companionship more than ever. According to a February poll from the American Psychiatric Association, 30% of Americans ages 18 to 34 said they felt lonely every day or several times a week. Nowadays, young people spend more and more time talking in digital spaces than in real life, getting our social fix from places like Tiktok, Snapchat, Whatsapp messages and Instagram DMs. We fill the silence in our homes with podcasts and YouTube videos, fostering parasocial relationships with people we don’t really know. But we also desperately need real-life connections. And the quicker we dismiss other people, the more isolated we feel.

As we become increasingly disconnected from each other, perhaps we should focus on the things that unify us, rather than the ways in which people deviate from us and our personal standards. Maybe we shouldn’t get so fixated on the ways people don’t meet our expectations, or the momentary ways they embarrass themselves.

The quest for perfection is everywhere we look. We face a lot of pressure to present our best selves on our social media profiles. We post the best angles, covering up acne and cellulite scars. We display a summary of our lives so that everyone thinks we are continually on top of the world; traveling to new places, surrounded by friends. What makes it onto social media apps is a heavily curated version of our faces, our bodies and our lives. We present ourselves in a similar light on dating apps, distressed by the photos we choose and our responses to requests. And because we put enormous pressure on ourselves to appear “perfect,” we increasingly expect perfection from others, too.

Dating apps encourage us to believe that our perfect match also exists. We are given such a limitless stream of alternatives that it is tempting to believe that we might eventually find our match plucked from a dream and made for us: someone who never does or says anything embarrassing; someone who never irritates us or makes our eyes roll. Keep swiping, the apps whisper and you will find them.

See more information: If you’re dating now, you’re brave

However, realistically, such a person does not exist – everyone has their flaws. In any relationship, you eventually discover that you both have issues that you need to resolve. And there will inevitably be things about both of you that are irritating: one of you doesn’t take out the trash enough; one of you is forgotten; one of you snores; one of you chews your food noisily (guilty). The problem arises when too much weight is given to these issues and when they discourage people from overcoming their mutual frustrations. Will people stop trying to make things work in search of someone who will never, ever bother them? Will people decide not to go on a second date if something makes them cringe on the first?

Alarmingly, it seems that people who are rejected because of minor inconveniences may be holding them back from dating. Recent Hinge Gen Z Report found that “more than half (56%) of Gen Z Hinge daters say worries about rejection have stopped them from pursuing a potential relationship.” Having high standards when it comes to important things, like your partner respecting you and treating you with kindness and patience, as well as sharing your values ​​and approach to life, is great. But if we create an atmosphere in which people are so paralyzed by fear of rejection that they don’t even put themselves out there, for fear of being discarded by wrinkled clothes or their choice of drink, we will end up in an even lonelier world.

It can’t be good for someone’s humanity to be discarded so soon; for a character flaw that you would barely notice if the two of you were in a long-term relationship. In a long-term relationship, you might think, “Yes, it’s weird that my partner sometimes talks with their mouth full, but they’re also thoughtful and funny and show up for me. talking with your mouth full is kind of cute.”

People aren’t perfect and sometimes that’s exactly what we love about them.