Lyudmila went through “all stages of depression” after her husband, a Russian army officer, died in Ukraine in September 2022.
To try to overcome her grief, she created a psychological support service to help other military widows deal with their loss.
“It was a huge shock. I didn’t understand what was happening. I felt like the heroine of a very bad movie,” the 32-year-old told AFP in an interview, describing the moment she discovered her husband’s death. .
For Lyudmila, who asked that her surname be withheld, her husband “died a hero… fulfilling his duty as an officer” during the first year of Russia’s offensive against Ukraine.
At the funeral, she said she managed to “remain dignified” – an “unwritten rule” for such occasions, she said.
She overcame the initial pain with the help of a psychologist.
First came denial, then anger, she said.
“You throw things on the floor, you break everything, because the pain destroys you inside,” she said. “You need to feel physically that you are still alive, because inside you are almost dead.”
– ‘Keep living’ –
It was at that time that she discovered “Widow to Widow”, a book by American therapist Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, and decided to help other women who had lost husbands during the conflict.
She took courses to become a trained psychologist and, with the help of a veterans’ association, launched a free help service for widows, provided by volunteer psychologists.
“Our goal is to make help available to everyone, not just those who can afford a psychologist,” said Lyudmila.
She said her mission was “to show women that life goes on, you have to live it.”
“We are born, one day we will die. That’s the key to accepting loss,” she said.
Although she now tries to distance herself from news about Russia’s offensive, her husband’s death has not changed her attitude toward the conflict.
“I am first and foremost my husband’s wife, an officer’s wife,” she said.
After working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the service she set up, fatigue recently forced her to take a break.
One of her former clients is Anna, a 31-year-old singing teacher, who lost her husband last July.
“I saw a psychologist because it was very difficult and unbearable,” she said. “The support from family and friends was not enough.”
– ‘Share the pain’ –
“During the sessions we analyze all my accumulated pain, which helps me calm down. I find the strength to continue living,” said Anna, who also declined to give her last name.
Anna is also part of a small chat group on the messaging service Telegram for other widows.
“We support each other and share our pain. No one can understand your pain better than someone who is going through the same thing,” she said. “It’s like group therapy.”
“Women write to me when their husbands are injured, missing or killed, when they wait for the bodies to be repatriated. I try to help them, give them advice or the necessary contacts”.
Unlike Lyudmila, however, Anna is very interested in events at the front.
“I read the news. I don’t want to ignore them, but today I see things in a different light,” she said, declining to elaborate.
In addition to therapy, Anna said she finds calm in her work – teaching music to children – and through religion.
“Children are like angels, they are a source of kindness and positive emotions,” she said.
Lyudmila compared Anna and her other clients to a mythical phoenix that helps people “rise from the ashes” of despair.
“I help them to be reborn as beautiful birds, and then they fly off to a good, dignified and normal life,” she said.
bur/js
